Date: Wednesday, November 18, 1998 09:46
Subject: Message de Jeffito 11

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Courtroom Capers

>From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people
actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son--the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas [noisy fight]?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

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Date: Thursday, November 26, 1998 18:03
Subject: Message de Jeffito 12

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10 Reasons Why Mac Sux

I love my Mac, but just to show that I'm unbiased and can see things from
the Wintel point of view, here are 10 reasons why macs suck:

10 You can't use 5-1/4" floppy disks.

9 You can't go shopping with your friends for a Sound Blaster board
because Macs don't need one.

8 Your 200 MHz 604e Mac does integer calculation equivalent to a 362 MHz
Pentium Pro, but you can only brag about 200 MHz.

7 Networking a Mac is not an impressive feat.

6 Macs don't come in black, and we all know black cabinets make computers
faster and louder.

5 You have to add a system extension to make Mac menus stay down like
Windows. We like pokey menus because it's too hard to hold that heavy
mouse button down while we read.

4 And the Mac mouse is too slow. We want our cursor to fly wildly off the
screen when we twitch our wrist because hyper cursors make our PCs look
faster.

3 You just plug Macs in and they work. Where's the challenge in that?

2 When you add stuff, you just plug them in and they work, too. Again, no
challenge.

1 Your clients and teachers know about Nos. 2 and 3, so they expect Mac
users to deliver results, not excuses!

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THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY
10 - I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker!
9 - While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8 - I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right!
7 - Her tits are just too big.
6 - Sometimes, I just want to be held.
5 - That chick on Murder/She Wrote, gives me a woody.
4 - Sure, I would love to wear a condom.
3 - We haven't been to the mall in ages, let's go shopping so I can hold
your purse.
2 - Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1 - I think we are lost, we'd better pull over and ask for directions.

THE LAST 10 THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY
10 - Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.
9 - Go ahead and leave the toilet seat up. It's easier for me to douche
that way.
8 - I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7 - Hey, getta whiff of that one!
6 - Please don't throw that old T-shirt away... the holes in the armpits
are just too cute.
5 - This diamond is way too big.
4 - I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3 - Wow P.J., it really is 14 inches!
2 - Does this make my butt look too small?
1 - I'm wrong. YOU MUST be right!

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Top 10 Fears of McDonald's Managers

10. Under excruciating torture, I might reveal the ingredients of secret
sauce
9. Customers will figure out fish sandwich and apple pie are exact same
item
8. Mayor McCheese's nude, lifeless body will be found in a cheap hotel room
somewhere down south
7. Might someday accidentally eat a McNugget
6. After sex with wife, might mistakenly say, "Do you want fries with
that?"
5. One of the trainees wants to man the shake machine and damn it - he's
not ready!
4. Something will happen to Bush
3. Even after selling a billion Big Macs, I'll still feel kind of empty
inside
2. Someday a race of super cows will make paper-thin burgers out of me
1. That might not be mayonnaise

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Date: Thursday, November 26, 1998 18:05
Subject: Message de Jeffito 13

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100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate

1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate
eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed
holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about
the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is
asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every
morning.

3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud
as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep
looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait
for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised.
Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."

5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick
him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.

6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've
been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that
you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.

7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses.
Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that
visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face
the consequences.

9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate
a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.

10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in
training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate
you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home.
Unpack everything and go to sleep.

12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am
I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your
roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.

13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at
it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and
the napkin. Throw everything else away.

15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room
with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant,
but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops
out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats
eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look
at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and
tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for
several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off
all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.

20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours
of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of
him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."

21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head
with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."

22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know
how they got there.

23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep
one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room
and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One
day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will,
leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh,
are you dying?"

25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff
back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."

26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."

27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message
was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep
this up for several weeks.

28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself.
Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking
backwards again.

30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective
student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate
protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings.
Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.

32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where
the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about
the poor picture quality.

34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every
day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down
underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to
return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.

35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one
after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a
few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your
roommate, "He just didn't belong."

36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave,
and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick.
Continue this process for several weeks.

37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to
bring you food and water.

38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear
for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a
crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"

39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that
you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.

40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your
roommate that you hit the bull's eye.

41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It
won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat
the process for a few weeks.

42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often.
Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him
"Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do
that anymore, Murray."

43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows
how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the
room with concern.

45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and
then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That
was your mom. She said she'd call back."

47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and
go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can
come out now."

48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to
take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"

49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with
two players."

50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining,
"No, I want to watch them suffer."

51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she
says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't
guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play
loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the
party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while
it lasted."

53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that
the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are
alone again, continue acting like a monkey.

54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the
window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have
won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he
remove all of his possessionsimmediately.

56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide,
blood donor, organ donor).

57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that
you are getting in touch with your NativeAmerican roots. If your roommate
accuses you of not having any NativeAmerican roots, claim that he/she has
offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.

58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain
that your feet hurt.

59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying
to kill a mosquito.

60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it,
tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to
your roommate.

61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of
light bulbs.

62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then
stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on
the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."

63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside
it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week,
report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your
roommate.

64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.
Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your
roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"

65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one
that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."

66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow!
837-9494! Holy cow!")

67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If
your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you
anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her
shadow.

68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and
yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.

69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.

70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says
no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say
nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say,
"Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again,
immediately change the subject. 72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning.
When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at
your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit
your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble,
"Damn road runner...."

74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what
you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.

75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity. 76. Make cue cards for
your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.

77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk
the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!

78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the
plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your
roommate suspiciously.

79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act
like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with
the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that
they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.

81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your
roommate goes to take a shower.

82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to
McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and
pout.

83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things
and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that
you just couldn't take it anymore.

84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your
roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about
the importance of good manners. 85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make
up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and
wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door
where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid
horseshoe...."

86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate
that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in
your roommate that you really don't like the jack-olantern, but you can't
convince it to move out.

87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing
famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light,
look around and pretend to be confused.

88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a
month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been
taking steroids.

89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you
love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain
about how much you hate lemonade.

90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good
old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your
roommate.

91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about
and hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you.
Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos
just aren't what they used to be."

93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going
to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on
his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake
hit, but only on one side of the room.

94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your
forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again. 95. Buy a lobster.
Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is
making up his own rules.

96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them,
and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain
to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a
self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king
of the pancakes has been taking bribes.

97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can
fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate
objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.

98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the
hall.

99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training.
Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel
spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your
roommate to apologize to the camel.

100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're
for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate
is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of
the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you
know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact,
not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.

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50 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to
them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually
work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the
ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more
than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance
art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off
when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ballpoint pens.
24. Smile. All the time.
25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it.
If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he
reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
then look away quickly.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her
of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse
to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile
your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter
"Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly
that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
as soon as you wake up.

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Date: Thursday, November 26, 1998 18:07
Subject: Message de Jeffito 14

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50 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding
them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the
day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin
narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've
got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn
the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so
long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough
for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a
"test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your
playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and
say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite
them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm
Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you
people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,
yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any
in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield
with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if
he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:
Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your
Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly
make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the
store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out
much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

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Date: Thursday, November 26, 1998 18:08
Subject: Message de Jeffito 15

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50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,
dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got
enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
"I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now,
damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of
THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in
muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

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Date: Thursday, November 26, 1998 18:09
Subject: Message de Jeffito 16

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50 WAYS TO CONFUSE OR JUST SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different
screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it,
say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps
if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly
that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing
this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough
to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective
to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and
place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape
them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of
cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write
an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me,
mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete
key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
*your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar
on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your
neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've
been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting!
Ha!" Print out your document and leave. >>

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst
out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your
stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate
hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap
back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to
the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to
type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to
figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the
lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this
after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard.
Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.>>

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly
sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say,"Give me
that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

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Date: Wednesday, December 2, 1998 12:56
Subject: Message de Jeffito 17

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NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After
countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts
have emerged.

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship. He refers
to it as "that time when me and Janie were doing it on a semi- regular
basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem called "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go.
Six months after the breakup, at 3:00am on a Saturday night, he will call
and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to
know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate
You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least
once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over
this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:

Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as
adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving
each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
"i's" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley-face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:

A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving
cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would
not be able to identify most of these items.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys
these things. A man waits until the only items left in his 'fridge are half
a lime and some mold. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that
looks good. By the time that a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course,
this will not stop him from going to the 10- items-or-less lane.

Going out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When
a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out,
just as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup....

Cats:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.

Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some
short people living in the house.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the
boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must
hurt."The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain.

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: (1)
Weddings, and (2) Funerals.

David Letterman:

Men think that David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who's got a gap in his front teeth
and always has a bad haircut.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were "hip" about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes,
he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his
mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful
women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk
about "the bachelor party."

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear
strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on
them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Nicknames:

If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will
call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave,
Rob, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain, and Useless.

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WORKPLACE HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

W.O.M.E.N. - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: W02
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lb, but known to vary from 100 to 550 lb.
DISCOVERER: Adam
OCCURENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to the correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has a great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in
alcohol.
5. THE most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimens turn rosy pink when discovered in the natural state
or when surprised.
2. Specimens turn green when exposed to, or placed beside, a better
specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. It is currently illegal to possess more than one.

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Date: Monday, December 14, 1998 18:27
Subject: Message de Jeffito 18

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This is the kind of thing that puts a really bad day at work into
perspective.


Date: 4/12/95 5:38 PM

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of
the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I
found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to
weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to
lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of
the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the
rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240lbs of bricks.
You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lose
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in
Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I
mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I
had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope,
in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of
the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my
weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the
barrelseemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I
again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. And I
lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.

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They never die!

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal
coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just go to bits.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Old Usenetters never die, they just become unresponsive.
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but
their future is doubtful.

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Electrical Engineering vs. Computer Science

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his
advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in
the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The
king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer
replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program
that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades
of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that
darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values.
Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the
initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it
would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll
show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger
of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread
into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before
you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom
become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will
need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make
scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we
don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in
just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the
problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class
into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process
should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and
waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided
into scrambled eggs, hard- boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and
various omelet classes."

"The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must
inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we
see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance.
At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to
the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend,
of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a
piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed
that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the
design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we
need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users
don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent
processing is required, too."

"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks
versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product
unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast
cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users
click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen.
(UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users
can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook."
"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the
design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for
the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard
disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking,
object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a
built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we
would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy
to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived
happily ever after.

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Date: Thursday, December 17, 1998 10:08
Subject: Message de Jeffito 19

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"A DAY OFF"

So you want a day off, so let's look at what you
are really asking for:

Everyone knows there are 365 days in a year that are available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week,
leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away
from work, your have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You
spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks that accounts for 23 days each
year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch break each day,
you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving only 20 days
available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year leaving only 15 days
available for work. We generously give you 14 days vacation from work each
year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you
are going to take that day off!!

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 Mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement
"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a
new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail
and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you
would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their
cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single
"general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

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One more reason why the Mac is not only a better platform, but it's more
holy.

The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of
third (3rd.)

By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding
his (III), you get the following:

B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
+ 3
--------------
666 !!

Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence? Or just
the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???

YOU decide!

Before you decide, consider the following:

M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666

W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666

Coincidence? I think not

(Side note: Where did the one come from at the end of Windows95 ???? If it
was Windows96 as many of us believe it would have been, then it
works!!!!!!!)

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Date: Thursday, December 17, 1998 10:10
Subject: Message de Jeffito 20

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Les perles de l'assurance 2
-------------------------

J'avoue que je n'aurais pas dû faire demi tour sur l'autoroute avec ma
caravane mais j'avais oublié ma femme à la station service!

Je suis tombée enceinte après votre passage chez moi et de ce fait je
voudrais vous poser une question au sujet de mon assurance vie.

J'avoue que j'ai traversé le carrefour sans regarder s'il venait quelqu'un,
mais j'étais passé à ce même carrefour moins d'une heure auparavant et il
n'y avait personne.

Je suivais une voiture quand celle-ci s'est arrêtée à un feu rouge à ma
grande surprise.

Voulez vous me dire le prix de l'assurance si j'achetais une voiture alors
que je n'ai pas le permis de conduire.

Je vous signale que j'ai été écrasé ce matin par un chauffard en état
d'ébriété.

Je me suis foulé le poignet en sucrant les fraises.

Je n'ai guère eu le temps de voir le piéton car il a immédiatement disparu
sous la voiture.

Je courais dans le couloir quand la porte vitrée est venue à ma rencontre et
nous nous heurtames.

Je vais prêter ma voiture à quelqu'un qui ne sait pas trop s'en servir, mais
avant pouvez-vous me confirmer que vous paierez les pots cassés pour les
accidents qu'il ne manquera pas de provoquer ?

J'ai été heurté de plein fouet par un poteau électrique.

A la place de l'ancien carrefour, ils ont fait un virage tout rond avec
priorité à gauche, alors forcément, je ne m'y attendais pas et j'ai perdu le
contrôle.

Puisque vous me demandez quelles sont les conséquences de l'accident je vous
dirais que pour le moment, mon mari est mort.

J'ai été blessé pendant mes vacances et comme j'ai dû rester au lit, je n'ai
donc pas pu profiter de mes jours de repos.

Etant un peu dur d'oreille, je n'ai pas vu le cycliste arriver.

J'étais en vacances quand la fuite s'est produite dans la salle de bains du
voisin du dessus. Alors le voisin du dessous a cru que l'eau venait de chez
moi, mais le voisin du dessus a alerté le voisin d'à coté qui est le frère
du voisin du dessous pour lui dire que l'eau ne venait pas de chez moi mais
du voisin du dessus.

Dans un virage à gravillons mon derrière a chassé dans une bouche de
pompier.

J'étais bien à droite et en me croisant, l'adversaire qui prenait son virage
complètement à gauche m'a heuté et maintenant il profite de ce que j'avais
bu pour me donner tous les torts. Honnêtement est-ce qu'il vaut mieux être
saoul à droite ou chauffard à gauche? Il faut tout de même raisonner...

Je suivais la voiture qui me précédait qui après que je l'ai dépassé m'a
suivie. C'est alors, qu'elle m'a choqué en plein derrière et m'a forcé par
la choquer mais aussi le derrière de celle qui était devant.

Je ne vois pas pourquoi je suis amputé de toute responsabilité puisque
l'autre ne savait pas conduire non plus.

Je suis entré en collision avec un brave homme dont les moyens intellectuels
m'ont paru terriblement limités. J'ai donc eu la chance de parvenir à lui
faire signer un constat qui m'est particulièrement favorable. Je pense que
vous m'en saurez gré.

Messieurs, je tiens à vous préciser que la blessée Mlle Dulongue est bien ma
femme, mais pour ce qui est de sa panne corporelle je ne donnerais aucune
suite. Je ne prends donc interêt qu'en ce qui concerne la réparation de ma
voiture que j'ai besoin journellement.

Un carrefour j'ai ralenti et j'ai laissé passer absolument toutes les
voitures venant de ma droite que d'ailleurs il n'y en avait pas, alors j'ai
avancé et j'ai été heurté par une 4L qui venait justement de ma droite par
un moyen que j'ignore, j'ai heureusement freiné et c'est alors que le choc
s'est montré sans réticence.

Excusez pour la gribouille de ma déclaration, mon crayon marchait pas j'ai
plus de stylobille car n'est-ce pas quand on part on ne pense jamais avoir
un accident sans ça on prendrait ce qu'il faut.

Je ne m'explique pas la brutale parution de ce cycliste sur ma droite;
faites donc le nécessaire pour éclaircir ma situation.

Je vous écris comme suite à votre lettre qui m'est survenu hier, consistant
mon accident. Vous dites que je suis responsable pour la priorité, mais j'ai
lu les lois et voilà ce qui en dérive: "Quand il y a un croisement entre
deux routes dont l'une ne traverse pas l'autre, celle que est la plus petite
doit s'arrêter la première". Donc il n'y a pas de priorité qui tienne. C'est
la loi qui est la plus forte. Vous seriez bien aimable de réviser vos
conclusions pour me remettre dans mon bon droit lequel je me trouve déjà par
ailleurs.

Je me trouvais en 2e vitesse quand ma voiture fit un tête à queue en marche
arrière tout droit dans le ravin que j'avais l'intention d'éviter cet
accident malgré ce que vous dites je ne suis nullement responsable et
souligner que je ne suis pas sans ignorer parfaitement le code de la route.

Depuis que je m'ai rencontré au carrefour avec Mr X, j'ai attrapé un
tormatiscq dans les cuisses intérieures, je peux vous dire que ca n'arrête
pas.

Voulant virer j'ai comme il est d'usage empreinter l'axe médian pour sortir
de la droite.

C'est trop facile de dire qu'il n'y a pas de preuve: vous n'avez qu'a en
constituer, je vous paye pour cela.

Je peut pas vous envoyer la facture acquittée pour la réparation de ma
Renault parce que la voiture personne y veut plus y à toucher sous peine que
ca ne tient plus. J'en ai fait illusion à l'expert qui l'a aussitot réduite
en épave.

La Citroën avait priorité c'est un fait, mais je ne l'ai pas vue, d'ailleurs
à la façon qu'il conduisait on voyait bien que la priorité il savait pas ce
que c'était la preuve que si ca aurait été le contraire (une auto qu'aurait
venu par la gauche) il emboutissait pareil. Donc il n'y a pas de motif à
s'arrêter à cette question de priorité à laquelle vous donnez tant
d'importance.

Je suis entré dans la terrasse d'un café avec ma 2CV, comme il y avait
beaucoup de choses j'en ai cassé beaucoup aussi. Il y avait personne ça fait
toujours ça de moins (voir la liste à peu près):
- 3 tables (pas tellement bien)
- des chaises (en mauvais état)
- un tonneau peint en rouge dans quoi il y avait un genre d'arbuste (le
tonneau est pas récuperable, mais l'arbuste si)
- il y avait aussi un peu de verrerie mais des bouteilles il y en avait pas
sans ça c'était pire. Le restant que j'ai eu en dommanger c'est pas au café,
c'est la grille d'un jardin public qui est à la commune, c'est comme le
blanc et le feu rouge...
- il y avait un chien aussi mais il s'est sauvé aussi vite et on ne sait pas
à qui c'est, ça pas arrangé ma 2CV non plus et elle est pas finie de payer.

PS: ma femme a été commotionnée et aura surement des cicatrices à la figure
mais c'est rien le docteur y a mis des infectants.

J'ai signé le constat mais ça ne conte pas j'avais pas mes lunettes et j'ai
rien vu de ce qui était dedans.

En déplorant énergiquement je vous salue avec dévouement.

Catherine Cochereau (l'Evénement du Je.........

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